5.8.11

Left 4 Dead on the Stairs

If you haven't played it, then you've seen the ads and have heard people talking about it; that's right, we're talking about Left 4 Dead.


"Grabbin' some pills."

If you haven't at least seen the above clip, then you are definately a Firstie.

L4D is pretty much how any zombie apocalypse would start; Patient Zero gets infected by some weird virus, infects someone else and then ensues the "Domino Effect". The virus is so advanced, that it actually starts to mutate some of them, turning them into catergories in the game. We're going to referance said mutations, and bring in some science just to make you wish you were already dead.

Smoker: Smokers are a nuisance in the game; their mutation consists of an abnormally long tongue (think Toad from X-Men) and having smoke blast out of their heads when you shoot them. Presumably, according to what I'm reading at the current moment as to why they are who they are; they used to be smokers, hence the name.

Science: There are chromosome/genetic mutations out there that have to do with 'protruding' tongues, but not to the point where we have a Zombie-Toad-Smoker running around and wrapping our bodies like tentacles in a hentai film.
Angelman Syndrome is a neuro-genetic disorder that causes speech impairment, developmental delay, and 'tongue-thrusting/swallowing'.
More of the same are EHMT1 (EUCHROMATIC HISTONE METHYLTRANSFERASE 1) and GAT1. These mutations are primarily found in patients with Autism and Down-Syndrome; which, if you haven't yet, you should go donate money. (Seriously, save a life; you won't be needing that money anyways.)

So in the event of an apocalypse, considering stated above, Smokers are out of the question.

Hunter: Zombies that pretty much scream and jump around like a ninja on crack; if ever caught under one, please refrain from asking your friends to help (unless they have a gun).

Science: In the event of an apocalypse, we are going to assume that dead bodies can move and bite your face off. We're assuming this because we are hopeful that one day they will start eating all of the people we hate.
Hunters are possible. Especially with freshly bitten/infected patients. Consider this: someone who has just been changed can more likely run just as fast as you and kick your ass as hard as you, considering that the circulation of blood and stiffness of muscles has not become 'full-swing' yet. Will they scream? Maybe; I couldn't tell you what one zombie war-cries or not.

So, in the event of an apocalypse, HUNTERS CAN EXSIST, but only freshly changed patients!

Boomer: They're pretty much huge people that changed, and have a tendancy to puke on you that sends out a homing beacon like bees to the only flower within the whole world. It will blind you for a couple of minutes, and in that time, expect to be rampaged by more than enough zombies to kill a heard of goats.

Science: Is it possible?
Not likely.
The fundamentals of a Boomer are pretty simple; they help other zombies find food. Although in the game they are fun to mess around with, in real-life you probably won't ever see one.
Zombies eat the flesh of the living, whether or not they can smell that is entirely up for debate at the current moment, until we here at ZSB can find some science on it.
Until then, in the event of an apocalypse, BE WARY OF BOOMERS.

Tank: They've taken too many 'roids and have 'roid rage. Enough said. (And they're a bitch to kill.)

Science: No human in the world has the strength to lift a car and throw it over-hand over their head. It's just not possible. You may say "Oh, well they have those competitions where those buff guys pick up a car and.."

It's not possible.
Have you ever noticed that after they're done lifting it a few feet off of the ground, they seem drained? Not a Tank from L4D. That asshole keeps charging at you and throwing stuff like you're a fly on the wall at a Chinese restaurant.

In the event of an apocalypse, Tanks do not exsist, but Mini-Tanks do.
We've come to the conclusion that body-builders and football players (and pretty much anyone else who lifts weights and takes steroids), would be something to dance with. Although it would only work with freshly infected patients, as said with Hunters. The brains of the walking-dead shut down, and only their 'animalistic' processes are still in-tact, so if there's a buff-guy chowing down on some stripper in the middle of the street, freshly changed, and the brain is still processing his last steroid binge, please be wary.

We're not going to touch Witches, generally because we see no small lady getting super-freako and giving you an upper-hand. It's like having a five foot female running after you, pinning you to the ground, and ripping your face off...we don't see that happening. (Unless it's your ex.)

Triggers: Triggers in the game are flash-lights and car alarms.

THESE ARE REAL TRIGGERS.
DON'T BE A FOOL.
All five senses of the walking dead should still work (besides the super-acute sense of being able to smell a live human being; until we find something that says otherwise) and if you're going to sit there and try to get into a car that has an alarm and set it off, then you're stupid. Zombies will hear it, and flock to it; assuming that there is a meal nearby.
When walking into a darkened building where you need a flash light, you should hope that whatever is in there is too busy chowing down for them to recognize the dancing light on the wall. (Think of a cat who you're playing laser pen with, then said cat looks back at you like you're going to die for trying to make it play with you. Same concept. Except this time you're going to be eaten.)

We've skimmed the old layer of milk on Left 4 Dead.
The watery-stinky parts are weapons, teamwork, and other things that common-sense should provide.
If not, then we'll have to post a Common-Sense article...
Now onto our first workout and Zombie Survival tip of the day:
STAIRS!

Stairs can be a useful way of gaining lower-body strength and power-development. If you're sitting there going "When am I ever going to need to use stairs?" then picture this:
Zombies are everywhere and the elevator to the building you're in is broken, you need to get to the roof to hail down that helicopter who is trying to pick you up. There's 23 stories in this building and you haven't been doing any stair excercises.
You are now a Firstie.

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/givstrength1.htm

The above link will take you to a page where this guy just LOVES stair-climbing.
There's work-outs and tips, and I suggest you try some of them listed. And in any case, let's hope that this guy is in your group when you need to climb up some stairs...

If possible, stairs can also be a great vantage point, depending on the placement and whether or not the bottom-half is destroyed (and whether or not you can get your Firstie butt up to the top).
If done right, your targets will have to file themselves onto the stairs in front of you, which makes for some easy-pickings; and if the stairs are destroyed, then have fun sniping them.





Recommended Sniper Rifles:

PSG-90 -
Swedish, holds 9 rounds, and has a range of 985 yards. And it's sexy.
Dakota T-76 Longbow - American-made, blind magazine, and has shots that can be accurate up to a mile. And it's sexy.
USMC M40A3 - American-made, holds 5 rounds, and has a range of 1000 yards. And you guessed it, also sexy.
M-76 - From Yugoslavia, holds 10 rounds in a detachable box, and has a range of 875+ yards. And, yes, also sexy.


So there you have it, Firsties!
Keep on working!


(brain)

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