20.12.11

Places to hide in the even of a Zombie Apocalypse.

Buenos nochas, my spunky little group of sex monkies. I'm aware it has been forever since Brian or I have posted anything, and we both sincerly apologize. Brain and I currently find ourselves ass deep in jobs, school, and now the holidays. It's been hectec. Moving on, because you have all been so wonderfully patient, I'm writting today on a subject I've been promising for months. They are the puzzling questions we ask ourselves every day as we are strolling through Wal-Mart. Would Wal-Mart be a good place to hide if zombies were trying to eat me? Or sitting in the police station after being arrested (not me of course). Police stations have a whole arsenol of guns and ammo. Maybe this would be the place to hide in an apocalypse. Question no more my friends, here are your answers!

1. The Mall
In the 2004 remake of George A. Ramero's Dawn of the Dead, the entire mall proved to be an effective fortress against a mob of zombies the size of Conetticut. Our group of survivors found all the imeneties they needed in order to survive and quite comfortably. Our zombies seemed to have a sense that this group was there and came in floods until the situation seemed daunting and impossible. Now, the last time I was at my local mall, I don't remember it's glass doors being bullet proof. And I'm willing to put money down on the fact that the mall does have a generator, but nothing impressive. Ultimately, I would determine the mall to be a death trap. I would not advise anyone to attempt using the mall as a fortress or to enter it in hopes of obtaining vital supplies. I would however, say this would have to be determined on a case by case basis. Consider the location and layout of the mall. If you do not know the layout of the mall or anything about it, move on. Also, consider that while the mall would be a convienient 'one-stop-shopping' for all your survival needs, most of what malls carry will inevitably serve no purpose to you. It would be safer and more beneficial to target smaller chain stores that carry specific items.

2. Wal-Mart
You can almost hear the chorus of angels singing as the door slides open and you step inside the crisp, new Super Wal-Mart. You instantly get excited thinking about the mass quantities of products and the vast array of products this mega store provides. You carefully select your cart, because even in brand new Wal-Marts, with brand new carts, there is still always one with a severly defective wheel that wants to steer the cart in the opposite direction. You try not to think about how much money it takes just to cool this massive building as you being to wind your way through the maze of asiles. Wal-Mart was my obvious second choice. If I had a dollar for every Facebook post I ever read stating, "I would baracade myself in Wal-Mart in a Zombie Apocalypse," I would be rich.

I have actually always speculated that patient zero would be found in Wal-Mart. What better way to kick off the Christmas shopping season than to turn down the doll asile to find a young girl eating the innards of her mother. Jingle bells, your kid smells, by the way she bit me...

I'm sure you are all sitting on the edge of your chairs, egarly awaiting all my reasons for adamently advising against Wal-Mart as a potential safe haven. If this is true, get up, go outside, and do anything. Seriously.

So here it is. Again, as with everything, treat it on a case by case basis. Determine all angles of the situation before making a decision. In an apocalypse, all decisions are life and death decisions. Wal-Mart will be the first victim of mass looting in the midst of mass hysteria. Everything from TVs, to toys, to food, to beauty products will be taken. There will be surprisingly little left of Wal-Mart's impressive quantities. All vital supplies such as food, clothing, survival gear, tools, and weapons will be wiped out within hours of the first outbreaks before the looting will even begin. When and if the apocalypse continues on for months before any clean-up begins, if it ever will, Wal-Marts will either be destroyed, burned to the ground, or full of zombies. It would be increasingly difficult to build up barracades over all the buildings weak spots. Big is not always a good thing.

3. Grocery Stores
Going down the list of private sector businesses, grocery stores are your smaller Wal-Marts. Frys, Bashes, Safeway, Albertsons, all one-in-the-same. And all pose the exact same issues as Wal-Mart does. Big building, lots of weak spots, will fall victim to shortage of stock within 2 weeks or less. There is a 'but' though! In the quest for supplies and food, grocery stores would be a much safer option that Wal-Mart. The idea being that hopefully smaller grocery stores might harbor less occupants. Much is to be desired for a grocery store void of zombies and full of food, right? Well, not to crush that little fantasy, but it will never happen. The good news is, all that food will end up somewhere, waiting to be found, so long as some jackass didn't try to eat all of it because there was no tomorrow.

4. Large Hunting and Sporting Goods Stores
Number 4 is actually one of my personal favorites. This option is just as appealing as Wal-Mart, but even more deceptive (and heartbreaking). I hope it is obvious to everyone why this one is most people's first or second choice (Wal-Mart, of course, being the other contender). Survival gear, camping equipment, weather-specific clothing, fishing and hunting gear, hand guns, shotguns (boomstick), rifles, knives, and enough beef jerky to feed you and your grandchildren. It's a survivors play ground. Someone sitting around a camp fire in the middle of a total zombie apocalypse could practically become giddy at the idea of a fully stocked, untouched Cabella's Hunting and Sporting Goods Stores. It's enough to make a survivor light headed. Well don't faint on me just yet. I'm not finished.

This is where the story becomes tragic. These massive out-doors stores will fall victim to the same tragedies that will befall Wal-Mart and other stoes. The silver lining? You might still be able to find items left behind that could prove important to your survival. You might even be that lucky soul who manages to find a left behind tent, gun, or possibly more. A lot of what will be left over might be useful. Fishing line, a pot or pan for cooking over an open flame, or even so much as hand and feet wamers for those crazy campers who sleep in 3 feet of snow. Bottom line is, you might might find something you need. But at what cost? Always think before you act.

5. Small Gun/Knives Stores
Now things are starting to get interesting. If this is your definition of interesting. Do not be fooled by these small stores. They might just surprise you. Out of all the different locations that you could consider, I would most readily walk into a small gun store over all. Many gun stores today are surprisingly secure. Though that's not to say you will for sure find an untouched gun store. In fact, you most likely wont. But you have the best odds with this option than all the others. The layout in these stores are usually small and simple. There will only be two ways in and out and the possibility of problamatic occupants would be minimal. It's hard to say if there will be anything of use left, but if I had a prime opportunity to search a gun store of possible weapons to defend myself against the army of zombies outside, I would gladly do so.

6. Libraries
First stop of the list of government buildings. Lets get this one out of the way, shall we? Libraries will serve one purpose. To get out of the elements. Aside from that one main purpose, a library wont have crutial components to your survival. Although the books would prove to be a source of warmth and entertainment.

7. Schools
Schools would only be slightly more favorable than a Library. It might have slightly more food, but ultimately, schools will do you about as much good as a Library. One thing you do need to be aware of, however, is that in the event of a major disaster, especially in smaller cities, schools and libraries might be converted into disaster relief shelters. This could be a good or a bad thing. The shelter could be home to a lot of non-parishable foods and survival gear. On the other hand, it could be full of zombies too. Use your brain, or they'll have it for dinner.

8. Hospitals
Hospitals are a hotspot of medical professionals and government officials. They are full of vital medical supplies for human survival against bacteria and disease. But it will also be a hot bed of the dead and zombies. Be aware and do not enter a hospital unless absolutely necessary.

9. Police Stations
Our good friend number 9 here, might just be the most promising location yet. Police stations would have everything you would need. And often times, stations are small and easy to fix up enough to be zombie proof. If law enforcement falls apart however, looters might have cleared the place out long before you got there. Much like small gun stores, I wouldn't hesitate to check a good police station out. You never know. You might get lucky.

10. Prisons
Dun, dun, dunnn! Anyone who has read the Walking Dead series is anxious for number 10. Prisons certainly are an interesting subject that given the right people, could be discussed and debated at length. Prisons could be the most secure place to hunker down with many things that could aid you for some time until you could come up with alternatives. A food supply that could be potentially plentiful. Possible running water, showers, beds, and more. If you could gain access to the armory where the guards stored their weapons, you might just find enough ammunition for a war. You might find all the tools necessary to grow your own food in a secure yard surrounded by 3 fences. You could find medical and first aid supplies, linens for various uses, equipment to build things with and more.

But we can't ignore the very real and dangerous possiblities. The first and oh-so-obvious ones being zombies. And lots of them. You have to consider that the prisoners never got the chance to escape before they all became zombies. But don't assume that if you know some got out, that they all did. Also keep in mind, there might be survivors amoung the cell mates that you'll have to share your new home with. You might get lucky and find small time criminals, but you could just as easily find vicious killers and rapists who will lie to you. It would be a very delicate and potentially volitial situation that would be very hard to get out of peacefully.

It would take a great deal of work and effort to get the place running smoothly and would be very difficult to do. But keep in mind, if you are going to rebuild your life after something like this, it's going to take a great deal of work anyway.

11. Goverment Facilities
Number 11 is a tricky one. For the sake of time, I'm going to combine all other goverment properties into one category. This includes but is not limited to military bases, the White House, Town Hall, and more. This is one you have to use your judgement and decide based off knowledge and commen sense. But don't make a mistake. It could be your last.

12. Private Homes (1, 2, ... story homes)
Now we are getting somewhere. I hope that it is obvious to everyone that Number 12 will be the best place to hunker down. In the midst of any major disaster, zombie apocalypse or not, the facts are all the same. Whatever has destroyed everything will not be your only problem you will face. Looters and theifs will become a huge problem. They will break into your home and they will take everything. And if you get in their way, they will kill you. This is the exact reason why I'm proud to be an American. Because we have the right to bear arms and can fight for what is ours and our lives. Amen.

With private homes, I'm going to have to side with the 'zombie experts' out there and say that homes with 2 or more stories would be the best structure to choose to secure as home. 2 story homes have a lot better security than one stories. The second story is harder to access and there is a multitude of ways you could secure the home so that you could sleep soundly at night. Boarding up the windows on the first level could allow you to leave the second story windows unboarded to allow natural light and air in. Choosing the right home is crutial. You want to aim for older homes with better, sturdier construction and heavy wooden doors. You also want to consider the eves of the roof and the placement of windows so you can easily access the highest part of the roof from a second story window. Consider if there is a garage attached. Older homes will be harder to find with attached garages. Some new homes in popular, expensive neighborhoods tend to have good, strong construction. Just be aware of how many zombie neighbors you might end up with.

Consider all the materials it's going to require in order to secure the first story and whether you can obtain them. My advice, find a home near some still under construction. Limited neighbors and all the materials you'll possibly need. Just remember, it needs to be one people were already living in so it's furnished and has food and supplies hopefully. These would be ideal conditions and over time, you could clean out and secure the whole neighborhood for residents with a pulse.

13. Apartments
This is another promissing possibility. Choose a second or third story unit with a secure fire escape. If they are out door units, you'll have to destroy or enclose the stairs to keep unwanted visitors out. Indoor units, just secure all the doors in all stairwells and you sould be secure. I don't have high hopes for apartment buildings being a suitable long-term home. Also, be aware that there will probably be high numbers of zombies in apartment complexes.

14. Skyrises
Skyrises are going to be right up there with apartments. The idea is in the right direction, but unfortunately, skyrises will give you the same problems to face. Plus, if you find a high-rise, it's going to be in the center of a large city. Need I say more?

15. Underground
Last, but certainly not the least, the option of going underground is certain an enticing option. When most think of going underground, most either think of a cellar, bombshelter, basements, or some big, secret underground government facility. I put this under it's own category because it's one to be considered. Given the situation of course. In a zombie apocalypse, a cellar or bomb shelter isn't going to do you much good. Most have one way in and one way out. In a zombie apocalypse, I would never advise entering anything with only one way out. If a big enough group of zombies backed you into a corner, they could very easily overtake you. A basement would be a much safer option. Almost all basements have another way out, whether it be an exit to the outside or through the crawl space under the house. In the beginning of a zombie apocalypse, moving your family and the important things such as food, clothes, water, higine products, blankets, radios, tools, and weapons down into the basement would be adviseable. Secure all entrances and hunker in. Looters will inevitably break in and steal the rest, but this could potentially save your food from being take and most importantly, your familes' lives. In a zombie apocalypse, that's all the good going underground will serve you. In any other major disasters, going underground is highly adviseable. Except in floods of course. Seriously people, think about this.

A few other tidbits to finish up this riveting blog.

First and foremost, if you live in a big city, you might just be screwed. If you can, relocate to a more rural, unpopulated area.
Just remember, everyone else in the city is going to be leaving at the same time. Try to time things right and choose a path out of town that will be less traveled.

Be sure you have a good supply of everything you need. My next two blogs are going to be on everything you'll need in the event of a zombie apocalypse and the best forms of transportation. This is of course, subject to change at any time, but not the survival supplies. I've already started working on that one. :D